Preparing for Marriage in the Kingdom of God

Recently in my Quiet Time, I sensed the Holy Spirit nudging me to write on the challenges of converting from singlehood to marriage and of building a foundation that will weather all storms leveled at your marriage in the years to come.

Some of what I’m going to share will come from our own experience. When Jesus Christ truly began to be allowed to operate as Lord in my life and in Anne’s, we had to face the fact that our experiences relating to the opposite sex for most of our first 19-20 years were mostly negative/wordly and not pleasing to the Lord. So once we met, we were very slow to make any commitments to one another. We ended up eventually dating for a year, and then were engaged for a year before we married. Much had to be unlearned for us. Especially for me there was a lot of the old man that had to be put off and the new man that had to be put on (see Eph. 4:22-24). That process of course continues as long as we reside in these sinful bodies.

Hindsight as they say is 20/20. But after 44 years of marriage, we wish we knew in our earlier years what we know now about how to cooperate with God in building a solid God pleasing marriage.

Some of what I’m going to share will come from our experience working with singles preparing for marriage over these last 42 years. Some of what I’m going to share will come from our experience working with married couples over all these years – specifically the challenges they face because of not having righteously or effectively worked through the corruption and defilement of their pre-marriage years or perhaps from sins committed during their marriage years.

Before I begin to share some of these lessons, I want to state up front that Jesus Christ is the great Marriage Builder, Marriage Sustainer, Marriage Healer and Marriage Restorer. He has been at work in this arena since our triune God brought Adam and Eve together in marriage. No matter what challenges you faced in your courting or engagement, no matter how much marital dysfunction your extended family has experienced, no matter how much marital shipwreck you have witnessed among friends and neighbors and co-workers, He is up for the challenge. He delights in doing “beyond what we could ask or think” in our marriages when and as we learn to depend on Him and submit to Him.

I do want to say as emphatically as I can that “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” Psalm 127:1. Oh yes, there are couples out there who have never divorced and who have nice homes and bountiful 401 K's and successful careers. But their house, home and marriage was not a house, home or marriage that God built and was glorified by.

The good news is He wants to and is certainly able to build your house and your marriage. But He does not automatically build one’s house or marriage just because the said couple goes to church here and there or just because they say they are “Christians”. He builds our home and our marriage as we learn to walk with Him day in and day out – looking to Him for the humility, wisdom, understanding, strength, cleansing, patience, love, and everything else we will need to love our spouse as He has so designed for us to do.

Building a God pleasing marriage that is a blessing and joy to each spouse and to all those around them requires wisdom, understanding and knowledge that only God the designer of marriage can give. As King Solomon stated, “By wisdom a house is built, And by understanding it is established; And by knowledge the rooms are filled With all precious and pleasant riches.” Proverbs 24:3,4.  Sadly most couples neglect to pursue wisdom, understanding and knowledge in their pursuit of things and experiences/leisure/entertainment.

One of the reasons so many marriages crumble or just limp along is because a solid foundation that only God can build was never built. Wisdom, understanding and knowledge from God Himself only kicks in when we learn to daily heed and act on what God says to us in His word and what He says to us personally as we learn to hear His voice. Jesus spoke to this (not necessarily in the context of marriage, but it definitely applies) in Matthew 7:24,25, “Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock.”

More good news from all of this is your marriage is meant to have a foundation that can and will withstand all devils, sin, the world, your past, your prior failures, your parents' failures, etc. Jesus has been building foundations in marriages from the beginning and He longs to build yours.

So the practical lessons and truths I’m going to share now are given so that couples preparing to get married can build their marriages on a solid foundation that will weather all the storms that are bound to come their way over the years God gives them together before He returns.

Here’s an objective I hope you will aspire to in your marriage: Learn to pursue fellowship not just relationship with your spouse to be. The word fellowship in the New Testament is translated from the Greek word Koinonia. Sometimes this word is also translated as sharing or communion.

Fellowship will enable you to go deeper with God and experience more of His life in your marriage. Relationship alone will never give you what you long for. Let me try to explain the difference. The Apostle John stated in his first epistle chapter one vs. 7 these words, “but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.” God is Light as we are told often in Scripture. That means among other things that no sin dwells within Him. He is morally perfect in every way. So for us to commune or fellowship or walk with Him/the Light we have to confess our sins and be cleansed from all of the sins we have committed and their effects. And we have to be honest about our sin and not try to cover it up or act as if it is not there. John’s objective or purpose in writing this first epistle is so the believers he was writing to could better enjoy and experience true fellowship with God and with one another “….so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father, and with His son Jesus Christ.” (vs. 3). The only way either of those things can happen is if we learn to deal with sin (as His light exposes it) righteously and honestly. John goes on to warn his readers (and us), “If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.” Vs. 8. 

Many if not most of us grew up not readily wanting to own up to our sins. We learned to hide them or at least minimize them early on. We can carry on relationships with many folk who do the same. But fellowship with either God or man requires that sin be dealt with honestly and forthrightly. It requires that we live in the Light. Thus John goes on to say in vs. 9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 

When I pursue fellowship with God, when I draw near to Him, because He is pure Light, I can’t help but become aware of my sin. At that point I have a choice. I can either admit to it and ask Him to forgive me from that sin and cleanse me from its effects. Or I can pretend like I’m fine, and gloss over it or bury it at which point fellowship with God stops, though my relationship with Him continues. The same is true with a couple preparing for marriage. You can choose to bury or explain away or blame your sins on someone else and stay in relationship. But fellowship stops because fellowship requires that the people in relationship stay in the Light. God’s Light exposes sin so that we can be freed from it, not be condemned by it.  Satan on the other hand wants us to stay in slavery to sin, so he and his demons work constantly to get us to stuff it, explain it away, minimize it, ignore it, etc.

Adam and Eve in Genesis chapter 3 are an example of this. Previous to their choosing to sin against God they apparently had regular encounters and fellowship with Him in the garden and always pursued and welcomed Him when they sensed His presence (see vs. 8). This daily sharing of life with God could have gone on for years and was a wonderful source of satisfaction, security and pleasure for them. After they sinned - instead of admitting it and asking for forgiveness, they tried to hide from Him when He came into the garden. Then when He confronted them, Eve blamed her decision on the devil, Adam blamed his decision on her (and on God for giving her to him), and God’s punishment ensued, though relationship with God continued as we see from Gen. 3:21 through chapter 4.

God’s intention for every married couple from the very beginning of human history until now is that they would pursue and enjoy fellowship with Him on a daily basis, and out of that fellowship (individually and together) would find the grace, strength, wisdom, etc., to build their marriage. True fellowship with God is the sharing of His very life with us. It is having Him impart His heart and mind to us. And when He does this it spills over into our fellowship with one another in marriage, which is ultimately the sharing of His life and presence and goodness with one another.

When a married couple tries to do marriage without this daily fellowship with God, they then have to try to fill the void (a void that fellowship with God would fill) with the stuff the world tells us we must have to be happy. Stuff like gathering more and more material things, pursuing lots of leisure and entertainment, etc. The pursuit of those things in place of pursuing fellowship with God dulls our spirits, increases our debt, and corrupts our souls. But because most of those around us are living life in this vein, it is not easy to break out of that mold.

Thankfully God is amazingly faithful in His pursuit of us and in His forbearance with us. And if we begin to respond to His pursuit of us He will teach us how to deal with sin both in our relationship with Him and with our relationship with our spouse or future spouse.  Please know that “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion” – both from God and from those who desire fellowship with you (Prov. 28:13).

So let me close with one practical step towards “walking in the Light as He is in the Light”.

If you are engaged or in a serious relationship probably headed towards marriage, now is the time to learn to share what the Holy Spirit is convicting and leading you to share about your past. In our opinion, the more the better. Ask Him to help you with this. And remember what Jesus said to His disciples (not in the context of marriage or engagement to be married, but very applicable to that), “But there is nothing covered up that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known.” Luke 12:2. It is much better to willingly be vulnerable with one you long to share life with now than for things to be exposed later by God Himself via whatever means.  Your future potential spouse needs to know your story. They need to know how you lived life before you were saved/born again, and how He has worked in your life since to help you grow in righteousness and holiness. They need to know what your home life was like. They need to know how you have related to the opposite sex (or possibly the same sex) from early on to the present. If the only way you can hold on to your potential future spouse is to hide or minimize these things then it is very likely God is not building your house. Now is the time for you and your potential spouse to learn that “…love covers a multitude of sins” (I Peter 4:8).

May the Holy Spirit help all of you pursuing marriage or longing to be married to learn today to  pursue fellowship not just relationship with those you are in relationship with.